Sunday, July 7, 2019

For all you moms out there

Disclaimer:
This post is going to be long and a little different than normal but it's been heavy on my mind lately. 

One of my best friends is going back to work tomorrow from maternity leave so this topic has come up quite a bit. Why can't we work remote? Why do we have to leave our kid and go back to work? Why do we have to sacrifice our time with them to also provide for them. Why? We both have asked this question, her more recently than I but it brought back all those familiar feelings I had gone through when I started back to work.

As a mom, there is this love for your child that cannot be explained and no one can parent better than you right? It doesn't matter if your chosen day care has a 1:1 ratio, it's not you. It doesn't matter that dad get's to stay home with your newborn, it's not you and it sucks. 

I remember when my kids were both first born thinking, how could I ever leave them? At the time, I was lucky enough to stay home for the first few years but then things got tight and I needed an outlet so we thought, why not try a temp position and give me working a shot. It was great! I got called real quick, interviewed and them hired all within a week and I was so excited. But then reality set in of leaving my boys, my babies. They would stay with their dad some of the time when he wasn't working but then the other times I would drop them off and pick them up from a baby sitter. Now, she was amazing and I couldn't have asked for better, but she wasn't me. Their dad was their dad, but it wasn't me. It was so hard getting those message during the day of what the boys were doing, how they were playing or napping or whatever it was that day, it was hard but I loved it.

I had finally found a job that I was good at and actually enjoyed so I struggled with feeling like I shouldn't be happy to go to work, I felt guilty that I was leaving my kids, that "someone else was raising them", and I felt guilty that I loved my job. Where is that line? Why can't I, as a mom, feel good about both? Why has society created this thing of working mom vs stay at home moms? There's shouldn't be this divide and should be support from all around.

Again, I was a stay at home mom for 3 years so I know all that goes into that and just needing a break. I remember those exhausting days where my newborn wouldn't stop crying and my 1 year old wouldn't listen and I just needed someone to come help. Help me with dinner, or laundry or taking the kids for 10 min so I could cry in peace. Those days that felt endless because everyone was crying (including me!) I remember this one time I locked myself in the closet. Jude was super attached that day and Cooper wouldn't stop crying. No one was listening and I was home alone with no help and I just needed a break. I put the TV on and made sure Cooper was safe and walked into my closet and locked myself in there. It wasn't more than 2 seconds later, Jude was banging on the door yelling while Cooper screamed in the background. I know the struggles of being a stay at home mom all too well and it can be exhausting.

But now I also now know the struggles of being a working mom. The getting up super early and having to wake the kids before the sun, get me ready and get them ready and rush out the door. Some mornings are great and go without an issue and others I am almost in tears when we are getting in the car because nothing has gone as planned. I'm telling the kids to please just give mommy a moment without saying anything.. Then dropping them off at school, rushing to work to get there on time and be a good employee. Talk to people all day because that's my job and then hurry home to feed the kids, bath, books and then bed. - Somedays I feel like I barely see my children but when they go to bed I am relieved but miss them so much. - Oh, and then after dinner do all the housework, clean up from dinner, take care of the dog, shower and maybe get some TV or a book in before passing out so we can repeat it all the next day.

As exhausting as all of this seems, I wouldn't trade either for anything. I loved being a stay at home mom and feel blessed that I had that opportunity because not everyone does. Being able to have those days that everything flowed perfectly. Playdates with other kids and moms, pool time or going to the zoo. I remember it all like it was yesterday and I miss it. Or the days where we all get up happy in the morning and they get ready for school while I now get ready for work and we get in the car happy and I cry as I leave them because I just wish I could stay and play all day.

But what about that guilt? How are we supposed to deal with it? If we stay at home, society says we should work, if we work, society says we should stay at home. We can't win. But what we can do is show up for our kids. Whether we work or stay home, we can be there. Don't get me wrong, everyone has a bad day or kids that don't want to listen but that's when we can show them compassion. Show them it's ok to have a bad day, mom has bad days often! But it's how they act and respond to that bad day that will determine how the rest of the day plays out.

We can stay at home with our kids knowing that this is what is needed in life right now. Don't feel guilty for "not contributing" because you are! I'm sure we have all seen it but you are the chef, the maid, the butler, the homemaker, the educator, the business manager, the _____ fill in the blank on what you do everyday and feel good about yourself! What you are doing is some of the hardest work as being a stay at home mom. It's not easy and not everyone can do it so I applaud you. You don't have to be that "Pinterest" mom because guess what, she doesn't exist! But kudos to you stay at home moms!

And to the working moms... Stop feeling guilty for working! Trust me, I feel like that often, especially when my kids are sitting in the back seat as we go to school and they are asking why I have to work and I can't stay and play with them. It kills me every time but I also get to show them what a hard working mom looks like. I get to be excited when we can splurge on a new toy because I worked for that for them. To see their little faces light up when I come home with new Nerf guns for a war we are going to have. I feel guilty leaving them almost everyday, but I know that I get to provide and show them a hard working mom and for that, I am proud.


Last thing that I want to pass on is this: Create new traditions. 
             When I was a stay at home mom we had some things that we did weekly, whether it was a bible study, weekly play date, one on one time with them, it was something. So when I started working I felt terrible that I couldn't do all of that with them. Especially since their dad and I share time, my weekends are precious time and it's hard to fit everything in that we want. But I started movie night with the boys. Every Friday night that I have them, we watch a movie. They always want to stay up late and I am always exhausted from work but wanted special time with them so movie night happened. We have what is called "snack dinner" (A bunch of healthy items they choose from to eat little bits of; strawberries, cheese sticks, peanut butter crackers, etc.) and they eat in front of the TV watching whatever movie we decide on that night. When they are done with dinner they climb on the couch and I attempt cuddles which sometimes works and other times not. Either way, my kids love this new tradition and it has helped me not feel as guilty being a working mom. 

Anyway, hopefully this helps, or maybe it's just me being able to feel better about it all, either way your kids will grow up knowing you loved them. Stay at home mom or working mom, it doesn't matter.


Hopefully some of this can help!






Have a Blessed Day 



Good Resources:

Instagram Accounts:
thismamawines
words_of_women
motherhoodunderstood
themilkcamp
bad_mum_
themomatlaw
the_mum_manual




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